Lies You Never Told Me Read online

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  First published in the United States of America by Razorbill, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, 2018

  Copyright © 2018 by Alloy Entertainment

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  LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

  Names: Donaldson, Jennifer (Young adult author), author.

  Title: Lies you never told me : a novel / Jennifer Donaldson.

  Description: New York, NY : Razorbill, 2018. | Summary: Told in alternating voices, two teenagers, one in Austin, Texas, and the other in Portland, Oregon, enter dangerous romantic relationships.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2018003487 (print) | LCCN 2018012103 (ebook) | ISBN 9780698408494 (E-book) | ISBN 9781595148520 (hardback)

  Subjects: | CYAC: Love—Fiction. | Dating (Social customs)—Fiction. | Teacher-student relationships—Fiction.

  Classification: LCC PZ7.1.D644 (ebook) | LCC PZ7.1.D644 Li 2018 (print) | DDC [Fic]—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018003487

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Version_1

  CONTENTS

  TITLE PAGE

  COPYRIGHT

  ONE: Gabe

  TWO: Elyse

  THREE: Gabe

  FOUR: Elyse

  FIVE: Gabe

  SIX: Elyse

  SEVEN: Gabe

  EIGHT: Elyse

  NINE: Gabe

  TEN: Elyse

  ELEVEN: Gabe

  TWELVE: Elyse

  THIRTEEN: Gabe

  FOURTEEN: Elyse

  FIFTEEN: Gabe

  SIXTEEN: Elyse

  SEVENTEEN: Gabe

  EIGHTEEN: Elyse

  NINETEEN: Gabe

  TWENTY: Elyse

  TWENTY-ONE: Gabe

  TWENTY-TWO: Elyse

  TWENTY-THREE: Gabe

  TWENTY-FOUR: Elyse

  TWENTY-FIVE: Gabe

  TWENTY-SIX: Elyse

  TWENTY-SEVEN: Gabe

  TWENTY-EIGHT: Elyse

  TWENTY-NINE: Gabe

  THIRTY: Elyse

  THIRTY-ONE: Gabe

  THIRTY-TWO: Elyse

  THIRTY-THREE: Gabe

  THIRTY-FOUR: Elyse

  THIRTY-FIVE: Gabe

  THIRTY-SIX: Elyse

  THIRTY-SEVEN: Gabe

  THIRTY-EIGHT: Elyse

  THIRTY-NINE: Gabe

  FORTY: Elyse

  FORTY-ONE: Gabe

  FORTY-TWO: Elyse

  FORTY-THREE: Gabe

  FORTY-FOUR: Elyse

  RESOURCES

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  ONE

  Gabe

  Storm clouds clot the edge of the night sky, stained purple from the city lights; but somehow, right over the yucca-fringed yard, the stars are still visible. I spot Orion there at the center of the sky. It’s the only constellation I can consistently pick out: the belt, the sword, the stars dripping away like blood. On the horizon, lightning flutters.

  It’s late September, the Austin air dense and heavy. I sit in my swim trunks, dangling my feet into the pool. The flagstone patio, the carefully tended native plants, and the high-end bourbon in the monogrammed glass tumbler next to me all belong to my girlfriend. To Sasha. Sasha, whose parents are out of town. Sasha, who’s swaying down the path from the house with a wooden tray of snacks, in a black-and-white bikini and a pair of flip-flops.

  “Need another drink?” She holds up the crystalline decanter, waving it enticingly.

  “Still nursing this one,” I say, taking her in. Her long, muscular legs. Her flat stomach and gently rounded hips.

  “Lightweight,” she says. Her blue eyes sparkle as she pops the stopper out of the heavy bottle and takes a huge swig. “Aren’t you getting in?”

  “I like to get used to the water first,” I say, splashing my legs up and down a few times.

  “Oh yeah?” She sets the bottle down on a patio table with a heavy clunk.

  “Yeah.”

  Without warning, she launches herself straight at me. At the last moment she vaults over my head, coming down in a cannonball right in front of me. A wave of cool water washes over me, a shock in the heavy night air. I shake out my hair, laughing, as Sasha surfaces.

  “You’re gonna get it now.” I slide into the water and push off the side. She shrieks and swims away. I launch myself across the pool, my stroke clumsy but strong, my heart racing.

  She lets me catch her. I slide my arms around her narrow shoulders, and every cell in my body wakes up with a jolt at the feel of her body against mine. Her skin looks so pale next to my light brown complexion. The strings of her bikini top press hard against my chest. She slides one of her long, smooth legs between mine, and my mind goes silent. Smiling, wordless, she reaches behind her neck and pulls at the knot of her halter, slowly tugging it free. Her bikini top flutters away and lands on the surface of the water, a black-and-white lily pad drifting aimless around us.

  “Sasha,” I whisper. It’s not my first glimpse of her small, perfect breasts. We’ve messed around plenty of times, in the backseat of my car, in an empty bedroom at a house party, anywhere we can find privacy. But we’ve never done this so openly, without worrying about time or exposure. Shielded by the foliage, we are open to the sky above.

  And then the phone rings.

  Sasha’s eyes go wide, her mouth flinching into a tight-lipped scowl. “They can leave a message,” I say, but she ignores me. She gently detaches herself from my body and wades back to the side of the pool, not even bothering to cover her chest with her arms as she climbs out.

  She scoops the phone up from the tray on the patio table, where it glows green between a bowl of tortilla chips and a plate of prepackaged cookies. The citronella torch gutters as she moves near it, the orange light leaving deep shadows across her face.

  “Mom,” she says.

  I swim toward the stairs, my stomach tight. Suddenly the idea of Mrs. Daley hovers over the backyard: her strained smile, her perfect red nails, the way she taps her foot. Sasha’s parents are lukewarm about me, at best. I’m not sure if it’s the mediocre grades, or the fact that I’m a Chicano skateboarder dating their very white daughter—never mind that I grew up in the same bougie neighborhood as them, never mind that my mom’s family has been in the U.S. for generations. They’re old money. They could find any of a hundred reasons not to like me.

  The dreamlike mood of a moment earlier starts to dissipate. I suddenly realize the clouds have rolled in overhead. Orion is gone, the sky glowering and low.

  Sasha still hasn’t covered up. I can see gooseflesh along her arms as I climb out of the pool. I pick up the towel hanging on the back of a deck chair, try wrapping it around her, but she pushes me away.
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  “How’s Aunt Patty?” she asks. A ring of black surrounds her eyes where her mascara has smeared. She pauses, her eyes flickering quickly toward me and then away. “What? No, Gabe isn’t here. Yeah, I promise. Jesus.”

  Something in her face changes. Her mouth goes slack for one quick second, and then tightens to stone. She takes a few steps away, muttering into the receiver, so low I can’t make out what she’s saying. My fingers knot anxiously at my sides; I absently pick up the tumbler of bourbon and sip from it. But the biting, burning thrill of the alcohol is gone. Now it hits my stomach like acid.

  “Whatever.” Sasha’s voice rises again, clipped and angry. She ends the call, and for a moment she stands still, phone in one hand.

  Then she turns to the patio table and grabs the decanter, throwing it with all her might to the ground. Glass and whiskey explode at her feet, glittering in the moonlight. Before I can say anything, she launches herself across the patio toward the house, stopping just under the eaves and raising both middle fingers into the air.

  “Sasha!” I sidestep the broken glass and run toward her.

  “They’re watching us,” she spits. She nods up toward the roof. Sure enough, I can see a tiny red light. A camera. “She checked the security cameras on her laptop.”

  Watching? A sick, slimy feeling runs over my bare skin. I tug the towel more firmly around my shoulders, feeling exposed. “Holy shit.”

  She grimaces. “Perverts!” she shouts at the camera. I wonder if there’s an audio feed, or if she’s just hoping her parents can read her lips.

  I imagine her parents sitting in a darkened room, the light of the laptop bleaching their faces. Or maybe they’re at her aunt’s kitchen table, drinking red wine and laughing at the two of us. The whiskey churns in my gut.

  I walk back to the patio furniture and pick up my shirt. It’s halfway over my head when I feel Sasha tugging at it.

  “You don’t have to go,” she says. “They’re three hours away. What are they going to do, drive all the way back just to kick you out?”

  I pull the shirt down over my head and raise an eyebrow at her. “Do you want to spend the rest of your junior year grounded?”

  She snorts. “They can go ahead and try. It’s not like they can make me stay home.”

  Typical Sasha. She’s never been into picking her battles. She prefers conflict so she can show off what a badass she is.

  “Yeah, I’m not really feeling this anymore. Let’s just call it a night,” I say. “Look, tomorrow we’ll head out to the Greenbelt—get out of the house, go hiking. Steer clear of cameras.”

  She steps closer. “Come on, stay. We’ll go up to my room. I don’t think there’re any cameras in there.” She slides her arms around my neck. “And if there are, fuck it. We’ll give ’em a show.”

  I gently disentangle myself from her grip. “Yeah, that’s not really my thing.” I pick up my skateboard from where I had leaned it next to a potted agave. Last summer my best friend Irene painted a winged eyeball across the wood. At the time I thought it looked awesome. Now it makes me think of Mrs. Daley: one more unwanted eye, spying.

  “I didn’t know you were such a prude,” she mutters waspishly. I walk toward the gate at the side of the house.

  “It’s just not worth getting in trouble over,” I say, reaching out to push it open. She darts in front of me, her spine whip-straight.

  “Oh, I’m not worth getting in trouble over?” She’s working herself up—I can see it in the sharp angles of her limbs, the jut of her chin. If she can’t stick it to her parents, she’s going to stick it to me.

  I put my hands on her shoulders, but she jerks away. “Sasha …”

  “No, it’s okay. I guess I’m not worth the effort.”

  I glance up to see another camera, under the eaves of the house. Her parents are probably still watching, enjoying the little soap opera that they set off.

  “You’re worth sacrificing one stupid night for,” I say. “I’m leaving now so I can still see you later. I mean, you might not care about getting in trouble, but I care if your parents won’t let you see me.”

  She opens her mouth to say something, then shuts it abruptly. For a moment she stands there, her breath heavy, her face pale with anger. Then she grabs me by the collar and pulls me down, pressing her lips to mine.

  It’s rough and urgent, her tongue pushing forcefully into my mouth. I almost lose my footing but catch myself on the door frame. A part of me recoils deep inside, unnerved. She’s doing this to punish her parents; this is her flipping them off, one more time, for the cameras. The idea that they could be watching still makes my skin crawl. But something about her fierceness pulls me in, too, like it always does.

  She finally pulls away. Without another word, she walks back across the patio, toward the house.

  Out on the street, leaves catch in eddies of wind, skimming the roadway and then lifting off to fly away. It’s eerily quiet, and then I realize the crickets have gone silent. It’s going to rain.

  I throw my skateboard down onto the pavement and kick off. It’s a relief to get away. Sasha’s engaged in a lifelong war with her mom, a former debutante from an old Dallas family, prim and tight-lipped. I don’t like feeling like I’m just a prop in the melodrama.

  A sliver of lightning cuts across the clouds just overhead, and a moment later the thunder snarls. I hop up the curb and off it again. I’ll have to hurry if I want to get home before the downpour. I lean into the downward slope of the hill.

  It comes out of nowhere: a flash of light, and then impact. I am flying. The wind streams around me, seeming for an impossible moment to buoy me up. It’s in that infinite moment, caught aloft, that I understand: a car. I’ve been hit by a car. The headlights surround me like a nimbus, like the light that surrounds the saints in a religious painting.

  Then the second impact comes as my body hits the pavement.

  The first heavy raindrops splatter around me. An icy chill unfurls through my body, spreading along my arms and legs and coiling the muscles into shivering knots. I don’t feel any pain—just the force ricocheting through my bones—but there’s something weird about how my arm is twisted. The clouds overhead swirl and glitter, pops of color exploding in their depths now. Or is that just my vision? I try to lift my head, to get a clear glimpse of my arm.

  A black shape flutters into view over me, and I struggle to figure out what it is. A bat? A kite? No. An umbrella. The patter of rain on my face ceases as someone holds an umbrella over me. The someone is hard to make out; they keep splitting, dividing, merging back together, all in the strange and shimmery air. I squint up, trying to make out a face.

  A cool hand rests on my cheek.

  “Shhhhh.” The voice is a woman’s. A girl’s, maybe. “Don’t move.”

  I stare up at her, trying to blink my head clear. The shifting world seems to be tinged with flares of sickening color now, shades of bile and blood at the corners of my vision. I hear a cell phone’s key pad and then the girl’s voice again. “I need to report an accident.”

  Lightning streaks across the sky, and in its split-second illumination I see her. She’s young, a teenager. Maybe my age. Her face is thin and pale, sharp-angled. Her hair is long and dark. Then the lightning passes and all I can see is the glow of her phone against her cheek, the silhouette of the umbrella against the sky.

  And then that starts to fade, too. Her voice gets farther and farther away. She’s saying something about my arm, but I can’t bring myself to worry too much about it. The sickly colors at the corners of my vision close in, throbbing for a few beats of my heart before I slide away into darkness.

  TWO

  Elyse

  “Tis almost morning. I would have thee gone,” says Brynn Catambay, touching her cheek lightly. “And yet no farther than a wanton’s bird, that lets it hop a little from his hand like a poor prisoner in his twisted … twisted … shit.”

  “Gyves,” I say, reading off the script. “Twisted gyv
es.”

  “I don’t know why I can’t get that.” She knocks her forehead lightly with her fist. “What’s that even mean?”

  “It’s like a leash,” I say. She looks at me, eyebrows raised. I shrug. “I looked it up the other day. When I was going over lines.”

  “Only you would prep for an audition by doing research,” she says fondly. “Nerd.”

  It’s Friday, early October, and the theater swarms with activity. Last week the drama department announced that East Multnomah High’s fall production will be Romeo and Juliet, and dozens of us have gathered for the auditions. Most of the drama club is here—Frankie Nguyen, Nessa Washington, and Laura Egan hang out in the wings, running lines, and Kendall Avery sits in the front row on one of the faded theater seats, eyes closed in meditation, which she always claims helps her “get in touch” with the character. There are people I don’t know, too. A goth girl with a septum ring sits on the edge of the stage leafing through the audition packet. And there’s a guy I recognize from the basketball team, sipping from a bottle of water and laughing in the middle of a gaggle of girls.

  Brynn looks around the room and sighs. Everything she does shows just how comfortable she is with the attention of the world on her. Today she’s wearing tights printed all over with cats under a puff-sleeved dress. She looks like she’s either ready to attend a mad tea party or catch a train at Harajuku Station. If she weren’t also unbelievably pretty it wouldn’t work. Lucky for her she’s got pillowy lips and thick black waves and the innate ability to contour without the use of a mirror.

  “Who are these people, anyway? They didn’t audition last year when we did Antigone or A Raisin in the Sun. Do something popular and every poser in Portland comes out of the woodwork.”

  “Hey, watch it,” I joke. “I’m vying for one of those poser spots myself.”

  “No way!” She frowns at me. “You don’t give yourself enough credit, Elyse.”

  Brynn’s always pushing me, always telling me I should go for better parts. She was the one who got me into theater in the first place, back in freshman year, back when I was so shy I couldn’t meet anyone’s eye. I don’t know how she looked at me and saw actress material, but she’s stood by that assessment ever since.